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Saturday, January 25, 2014

Reflections

It's been awhile since my last update, despite so, soo, soooooo much going on with our adoption.  I wish I could provide updates as things happen and explain the process and all emotions involved as they happen, but I can't.  Especially over the past 6 weeks.  I feel like my heart and mind are finally at a point where I can write and share- I needed time to digest, think and reflect.

As many of you know, Ron, Aidan and I returned to Ethiopia in January to see our girls.  This wasn't a required trip for our adoption, but as we were flying back to the U.S. for Christmas, we decided to make a long layover on the way home to Thailand in Addis Ababa to spend Genna (the Ethiopian Christmas) with our girls and to do our best to trust everything about the adoption.  It will take several posts to get everything out, but keep in mind there are some things right now I can't share- for example, pictures of the girls and us as a family- not until we pass court.  However, there are some things we won't share, such as the girls' histories.  Those are incredibly personal, tough and raw- and things we don't have the right to share- our girls do.  As such, we'll be letting them share their whole story when the time comes, if it ever does.  Until then, we appreciate everyone's understanding of that aspect of adoption and the privacy needed for the sake of our girls.

So how can I describe our trip?  Amazing?  Fantastic?  UNBELIEVABLE?  Love?  Excitement?  Tough?  Frustrating?  Hard?  Scary?  How about all of the above?  All of those emotions were involved at almost any given moment, but I have to say- the most prevalent emotions- the ones we all felt the most were LOVE and HOPE!

This was our third trip to Ethiopia, and although we were there for the shortest amount of time, it was the most difficult trip.  The first trip- our court trip for Aidan last Christmas and when we traveled around Ethiopia for 2 weeks, was amazing.  That trip was sheer amazement at the country of Ethiopia, her people and her cultures.  I fell in love and saw beauty.  The second trip- the trip we traveled to pick-up Aidan, I felt excitement and overwhelming love- this was my son's country and I had my son.  But it also was bittersweet in that I saw the aspects of Ethiopia that led to orphans, as I was holding a child, whose life was dictated by these events and circumstances, in my arms, forever. 

This past trip was different.  I felt love, so much love.  But I also saw the parts of Ethiopia (or any developing country) that really tears at one's soul and makes you ask, "WHY!?!??!?"  It's not like I never noticed these things before- I did, it's just they really stood out for me this time.  Keep in mind, I have traveled extensively throughout the developing world, and live in Thailand- a developing country.  Poverty, disease, hunger, thirst, etc...those are not new to me.  In fact, seeing some of those things are part of my daily life.  I guess at times I may forget what they truly are...and maybe that's why parts of this trip were so tough- my eyes were FLUNG open again, as well as my heart. 

I don't want to lecture, or sound anti-American.  I love the U.S. of A. and am beyond proud and grateful I'm an American.  I'm grateful for my education, my freedoms, my health, my choices and my living situation- almost all of which I can attribute to being from America.  But man, things are night and day between the U.S. and other parts of this world.

When we arrived back in the States from Thailand, Costco and Kroger were culture shocks...It took awhile for the vast amount of EVERYTHING to sink in...we have access to EVERYTHING and ANYTHING, and take advantage of it all- and want it as cheap and perfect as possible.  We complain about our healthcare, our water quality, etc.  Heck, so many Americans don't even drink the potable water from the faucet by choice- they choose bottled water instead because it tastes better.  We have access to every kind of food imaginable.  So much so that we can choose to go on crazy diets by choice to loose weight or for perceived health benefits (I'm not talking about food allergies here) Adkins, gluten-free, etc.  It kills me that people in America can actually make the choice to do these things when well over 1/2 of the world's population is struggling to even consume enough energy a day to survive- never mind you what kind of nutrient value is involved, the source of the food, how "organic" it is, or how it was processed.  Most people in this world still want food- and water, no matter where it comes from, or how it tastes.  I'm still amazed that people in the West are dying of diseases from eating too much whereas people in the developing world are still dying from eating too little- ok, I know...rambling rant!

So imagine how we felt when we landed in Ethiopia- where Thialand looks like a developed country in comparison.  Imagine how we feel when the kids at our girls' orphanage wanted us to bring fruit for their Genna treat- not soda, not candy, not cookies- as they don't have the luxury of eating a lot of fruit due to the cost, variety available and variety?  Imagine how we felt when we saw every child eating EVERY. LAST. PIECE. OF. FOOD. on their plate because they don't know if, or when the next meal will be coming?  Culture shock galore.

And it hit me.  This is the life my girls know.  This is where they come from, and this is what they had to endure.  Hunger, thirst, abuse, abandonment, loss, death, neglect, disease, poverty, fear...the list goes one.  I'm pretty sure most of my fellow moms in the West reading this don't identify any one of those items with their children.  Sadly, for us, all of those terms fit our children in one way or another.  I'm not saying that for pity or sympathy.  I'm saying it because it's real.  It's the "real world" as I'm beginning to see, and it's closer to my heart than I ever thought I would know.

While in Ethiopia, we learned the whole story of our girls' paths.  I cried, they cried- heck, we all cried.  I tried being strong, but I was crumbling.  To be honest, I still am...and I'm still trying to put the pieces together.  I'm getting better, but I'm not sure if I'll ever be back to the way I was- not after hearing certain things about my daughters- I don't know how anyone can be.  I'm still building, and still processing.  And I can only imagine how our girls feel- and I can't even imagine how they cope.

Despite all I saw, heard and felt over the 6 days in Ethiopia- despite all of the pain, hunger, poverty, lack of opportunity, excessive need and pain- something prevailed...HOPE!  Hope was everywhere- in the smiles of the children, in the eyes of women carrying wood for fuel on their backs, and in our girls' giggles and squeals while playing soccer as a family.  And that gives me hope.  I have immense hope that despite everything our girls' have experienced, we can mold ourselves together as a family and live out our girls' Cinderella stories.  I have immense hope that despite all of the need, things are improving, and things can get better.  And I have hope in myself- hope that I can strive to find and focus on the important things in life- family, friends, those in need, and my health- not the petty things that consumes me daily.  And I have hope that I won't take as many things for granted...that's my New Year's Resolution- to be happier with what I have.  After all, I have more than one could ever want, let alone ever need.

I know in the U.S., we have plenty to complain about- our educational system, health care, taxes, etc (you know, "First World Problems" :)  ).  But there's BEYOND enough to be grateful for.  After reading this, I hope you take one minute and look around- look at all that there is that we can be truly grateful for- I can guarantee you it's more than most could ever imagine.  And then I ask that you have hope.  Hope that things can improve for the better, and that tomorrow will be better than today.  After all, if my girls can maintain hope, I'm pretty sure that most of us can! :)