Adoption, without a doubt, is full of joy, fulfillment and happiness. It is a process that completes an adult's wish to be a parent and allows a child to be a part of a loving family. It truly is a beautiful thing.
However, like most things in life, adoption is not perfect. In being true to the purpose of this blog- to be open and honest about our journey, Ron and I need to write about some of the less than perfect aspects we have learned, experienced, and will encounter.
The first of these topics are those of grief and loss. Both are very broad terms that encompass so much in adoption. They are topics that Ron and I have had to consider and discuss at the beginning of our journey. They're topics we have taken courses on, read essays about and have been talked to about from Thea, our social worker. They are things that we will address now, when we meet our children, and deal with for the rest of their (and our) lives.
Grief in adoption can be seen in many areas. The first area we learned is grief suffered from the parents. For many parents adopting, there is a strong sense of grief about not being able to have a natural born child. For Ron and I, this isn't the case as adoption is our Plan A for a family. However, just imagining the grief and loss someone experiences in trying to have a baby is enough to almost bring me to tears. For many parents, as exciting as adoption is, it still comes with a sense of loss.
Ron and I already feel a sense of grief. We recognize that adoption is not a solution to the world's poverty or the plight of the orphan. It is a band-aid for one or two children. Knowing that when we adopt our children, there will still be so many more in need causes us grief. How do you leave an orphanage with just 1 child when there are hundreds of others left behind? This is something Ron and I constantly discuss and try to address. It's tough!
Another feeling of grief we have discussed (and makes me cry when I think about) is the sense of loss our children will feel. Although we will raise them in a loving and caring environment, and we will love them as our own, they will always know they're not our natural born children. They will know that somewhere, someone left them. They will know that at some point, their lives were too much for their parents or families and were given up to an orphanage. No matter how much we show and tell them they are loved, this immense feeling of loss will occur. It's a feeling of loss, guilt, grief, abandonment and not being wanted. It is something we are training to deal with. We have learned that our children will respond differently to this feeling at different stages of development. Through all stages, behaviors and reactions, we will be open, understanding, supportive and loving. It will be difficult to witness our children feel such emotions, but is something that is bittersweet. I hate that our children will feel such feelings, but at the same time, I will be proud of how our children handle this. We also will be reminded of our adoption story, where our children came from, their host culture, and the wonderful people in their native countries.
Our children may never know their birth families. Ron and I will help our children with every means imaginable to find their birth families when they're older if they so wish to do so. But what if their parents have passed? What if they can't be found? Can you imagine going through life and never knowing what your Mom and Dad look like? Never knowing where your nose or eyes come from? That crocked smile? Or what you'll look like? This is another sense of loss our children will experience, and again, is something we will do our best to address.
Ron and I are American. We think, act and talk American. Although we have broad world views, we are still American. Our children will be raised in an American society. They will speak English, attend American schools and do American things. But they will know they're not native-born American. They will know they were born somewhere else, in another country, and are of another culture. Ron and I are going to try our hardest to include their birth cultures in our lives with food, language, holidays, traditions and celebrations. We are planning on traveling back to their countries routinely to celebrate their heritage. But we cannot give them what they will have lost - a feeling of belonging in the place you were born. We have read stories of adopted children that have grown up. Many love being American, but many feel a sense of loss of their birth country. When they travel to that country, they realize they don't fully fit in. They bridge the difference between two countries and cultures. Our children may feel this way.
In a naive world, our children will come into our lives, love us unconditionally as their parents, and won't worry about where they were born, who their birth parents are or have feelings of loss. They would just be so happy to have been adopted and given the life they have. But we're not in a naive world.
In our world, our children will feel a sense of loss at some point. I actually think this is the most real, and actually, is more ideal than the "naive" world. Why? It's not that we want our children to be sad or experience strong negative emotions. It's that we want our children to understand adoption. We want them to know where they were born and be proud of their birth country and heritage. We want them to feel real emotions, analyze the world and life they're in, and learn how to accept reality. We don't want to cover anything up. And we want them to know that no matter what they feel, Ron and I are there for them with open arms, loving hearts, and understanding minds.
Grief and loss, I'm sure you can see, are difficult to think and talk about. But it's honest, true and real. Our goal as parents (and family and friends) is to help our children see that their feelings are normal and expected. We want them to know that their feelings are ok and that Ron and I are supportive of them. But above all, our goal is to help our children rise above these feelings of loss and grief so that they may be stronger and more equipped to deal with them throughout their lives as happy, successful adults.
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