During this journey, Ron and I have learned an immense amount of information and gained tremendous experiences. Most of these experiences have been positive and most of the reactions we have received from others has been supportive. However, along the way, we have encountered many questions and statements from others that caused us to have to think about how to react properly as they were hurtful (sometimes extremely hurtful). So below is a list of things I wish others wouldn't say or ask, and my response to them!
1. Don't you want your own children?
Of course we do! We want that with everything we are! We want it more than anything! Our children will be our own! Whose else are they going to be?!?!?!
*Although adoption is Ron and my "Plan A" for a family, can you imagine asking someone this if they had multiple miscarriages or couldn't become pregnant?!?!? Talk about hitting a nerve with this question! How personal and emotional for them to try to have to answer! If you know others adopting in the future, just don't ask! PLEASE!
2. Don't you want your own natural children?
No. Not now. Maybe not ever. This is our plan for a family. It's no better or worse than any other plan for a family. There's no cookie cutter family, and there shouldn't be a cookie cutter way to have a family either. And if we did ever want natural born children, again, what a question to ask if we couldn't do so or were infertile! Unless people openly tell you, don't ask!
3. But Ron has such good genes!
Really, does he?!?! Has he had a gene analysis performed? I guess I never saw that test! Last time I checked, his gene expression is his phenotype, so it appears he has a good phenotype, which may or may not be a reflection of his actual genes (genotype). And his (and my) family are not void of medical and other conditions, so most likely, his genes aren't "perfect." There's a possibility our natural born child could have genetic or congenital issues, so we're not perfect! And I didn't marry Ron to be his breeding mate. I married him as he's my best friend and I want to spend everyday with him. I didn't marry him because it's the 1500s and I was raised that since I was a female I must breed with a suitable mate.
4. Don't you want to be pregnant?
No, not really. I think it's a glorified idea until you talk to people that were/are pregnant. Most of these women don't say that it was the best time of their life- being a mother is. Although there are wonderful aspects of pregnancy, such as bringing a life into the world, it's not 9.5 months of pure bliss. It's not something I have ever fantasized about. I have dreamed about being a mom and a parent. And that's what I'll accomplish.
5. But you'll never really be a true mother/know the whole experience of being a full mother?
Really? Since I'm not actually pregnant I'll never be a full mother? You'll never know the full experience of being an adoptive mother with the ups and downs, piles of paperwork, folders of documents and crazy files! My child will have an opportunity to love me just as much as your natural born will love you. I will love my children endlessly, and isn't that the full experience of being a mother? Devoting your life and soul to a child so that they may learn and grow?
6. You and Ron will never experience the bond of pregnancy...
Last time I checked, the female is pregnant, not the male. The female has a fetus growing for 9.5 months, the man watches and tries to be supportive (if the woman is lucky). But he doesn't have cravings, body changes and hormone influxes. He doesn't give birth. So it's not really something Ron would be a part of, he would be watching. In our experience with adoption, every single step of the way, we have to do together. It's not me doing the work with Ron at my side, watching. Every document is signed by both of us, every HomeStudy meeting was attended by both of us. Every penny earned was earned by both of us. It's not me or Ron. It's us. So will we ever have the experience of pregnancy? Who knows. But what I can tell you is that we've bonded more over the adoption experience than I ever thought possible.
7. Can't you have your own kids?
Again, please read my responses to 1 and 2. What a personal question! Don't ask unless you're told! Don't ever ask. Would you ask this to a stranger? No! So why does someone adopting give you the belief that it's ok to ask otherwise rude questions? It doesn't!
8. Your role in marriage is to have children.
Don't worry, we are. We'll have a beautiful family and I'll fulfill that 1500s view of women and children! Oh, you mean natural born? Since when do you get to say what my role is and isn't? You don't, so don't try!
9. But your son will be black. Your daughter will be Asian!
Really?!?!?!? Wow, we had NO idea!!!!! WOE! OH MY GOSH! You're kidding me!!!!! What????
Please! We're well aware of this and beyond excited for diversity in our family. We have heard so many racist and mean comments regarding our multi-racial family that our guns are up and loaded. We're pretty much to the point where if someone says one thing rude regarding color, they're out. Life's too short to have to deal with comments like these and our society (in the year 2012) should be well beyond worrying about such things.
10. You're married. You should have children. The point of marriage is having children.
Thank you. We are. We'll have a beautiful family. Thanks for feeling you should say what we should and shouldn't do! But by the way, just because two people get married doesn't obligate them to have to have children. Children should be a choice and be wanted- not a requirement. By saying this though, are you implying that if you are infertile, you shouldn't get married? Or you should remarry after menopause or a vasectomy? After all, isn't the point of marriage to have children? If you can't have children, why marry then? What's the point??!?! Exactly, I didn't think so. :)
11. You should.... You shouldn't..... Don't you think...... Why don't you.....
Nope, we don't. And no, we don't think so. Just because we're adopting by NO means gives you ANY right to give your opinions in what we're doing. Unless we ask, don't share. You don't see Ron and I going around to every person we see sharing our thoughts of what they shouldn't and shouldn't do, so please don't do that to us.
12. You're making Ron do this, or, It's all you, not him...
You're right. This whole time, I've been holding a gun to Ron's head making him do this adoption process. Oh wait- I'm terrified of guns and don't even know the code to our safe by choice. Try again. Ok- so I'm choke holding him to force him into this! Yep, considering he only weighs 90 pounds more than I do and is just a wee bit stronger, that's easy for me to do! And I'm just sitting here forcing him to all the meetings and I'm just writing the checks on my own! And he's been lying at all of our meetings about wanting to adopt. You're right. I'm forcing him into this and taking things away from him. In all honesty, if you knew Ron at all, you would know he's not one to give in and stands up to me. I respect Ron, value our marriage, and cherish our teamwork. Anything and EVERYTHING we have done with this adoption has been mutual between us and will continue to be. We have been honest with each other all along and have given each other an "open" out if either of us changes our minds!
13. Well maybe they (the naysayers) are more Christian/religious than you
First of all, Ron and I aren't really religious. So yes, many others are more religious than us. Second of all, Ron and I are strong Christians. We just don't really believe in the isolation of a religion and the prejudice of churches. We're not adopting to be "more Christian" than anyone. This is our call and want to have a family. But unless you're Jesus himself, please don't say we're not Christian for not having natural born children. If you feel that way, I guess that the bible I've been reading, the churches I've been a part of, the schools I've attended and the values I was raised with are completely the about wrong Christianity. Forgive me if I've been mistaken! :)
And lastly...
14. Any racial comment. At all. About anything.
See #9. I truly feel that right now I feel like I'm pregnant with a black baby boy. Don't tell Ron, but he's not the genetic father :). My entire free time is devoted to this adoption- paperwork, research, e-mails. They say in your final trimester, a baby grows a pound a week. Well our stack of paper work and documents is growing a pound a week (I'm not kidding). The piles of paper rival a growing belly and the weight of the paper is probably double a newborn. So yes, anything racist that is said around Ron and I is EXTREMELY offensive. We're not sitting here critizing your unborn baby or your child. So please don't say anything offensive about ours. Ever. Even if it's not directed at our children, don't say it (if case you don't know, its 2012). Times have changed and so should you! And if you do say anything offensive, don't be surprised if Ron or I strongly verbally correct you, get up and leave, and/or remove you from our lives. We will do everything and ANYTHING we can to prevent our children from experiencing racial prejudice from others. We know we can't prevent everything, but if you say something, we will react. So don't say it!
I know this blog really seems pestimistic. In all honesty, this journey is truly amazing, but there have been bumps (or Mt. Everests) along the way. Many of these derive from the opinions of others. As we said before, we are doing this for us and our children, not for others. But we don't live in an isolated world, and the words/actions of others do affect us. Although we're strong and have learned a lot, we would appreciate it if these comments/questions stopped.
I encourage you all to share this with others. There are 22,000 American families adopting this year, and the issues we have experienced are common across the board. For the sake of other families adopting and for our friends considering adopting, please try to be considerate in what you say and ask. Understand that words are hurtful and that the feelings they evoke can be prevented if the words simply aren't said. Remember that just because a family is adopting doesn't give you the right to know all the details or share your opinions. Wait until you're asked for your thoughts and don't ask insensitive/offensive personal questions unless you're told. If the details are shared, great. If they're not, respect their privacy and family choices and understand why.
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