Ron and I have been asked this question a lot, and have received a lot of very puzzled replies. I know my fellow adoptive mamas have also been posed this question and have interesting answers. I figure it's time for a good explanation...
For starters, Ron and I are thrilled that Aidan is in our lives and we couldn't be happier to call him our son. Although we're both happier in our family lives than we have ever been with just one child, we want to adopt more. How many more is yet to be decided...at least 2 more, but we're taking it step by step as we go. We could end up with 3 or 13...well, not that many ;)
I will be one of the first to say I am not one to make a distinction between biological children and adoptive children. In my mind, they're all children- brothers, sisters, sons, daughters. Although I don't have any biological children, I know that I would love Aidan just as equally (and maybe even more) as any biological child. I have spoken with many other adoptive parents and their responses are the same. There is no difference. They are all their children- sons and daughters.
However, I feel that there is one topic where there is a difference between adoptive and biological children in my mind- HOW MANY! I think that for many of us, if we saw a family with 10 children, we would think, "HOLY COW! That's a lot of kids!"
For me, my thinking goes further. Although I try not to make distinctions between families, it is obvious when a family is multi-racial and has adopted multi-racial children. These families are easily identified (yes, I know I am missing all the families that have adopted within their same race/ethnic background and I apologize).
If I saw a family with 10 kids, I definitely think, "WOW! That's A LOT!"
BUT, when I see adoptive families with 10 kids, I think, "WOW! You're amazing...good for you!"
Why the difference?
I think the difference is how and why families are grown.
When having biological children, many couples want children that will look, act and think like them- children that will be extensions of themselves and genetic legacies. For this reason, I know many couples are satisfied by having 1-3 children, and usually at least 1 boy and 1 girl. I think it's evident that a 2-child: 1 son, 1 daughter, family is considered ideal in our society. And I can't argue with that. It makes sense and is logical.
However, when adopting children, the story is a bit different. Although I know parents adopt for hundreds of reasons, there is one connecting thread- to give a child a loving family and home that they would otherwise never have.
When building families with adoption, there is no "ideal." We don't have the urge or need to adopt children that look exactly like us. We don't need a boy and girl to carry on our specific genetic traits. But we do have the urge to open our hearts, arms and homes to children in need.
I definitely realize the logistics and resources required to raise a child in today's American society. There are food, medical, housing, clothing and education expenses. Colleges are just a bit pricey and the cost of living in the US is gradually rising. Additionally, one needs to consider the size of a house, the number of beds, the size of a car (no more throwing 10 kids in the back set- Hello seat belts, car seats and safety regulations). There is a lot to be considered when expanding a family. And I am a firm believer (like many of us) that a family should only be expanded if the appropriate resources are available for that child.
Adoptive families are held to these same standards as biological families- if not more so. The reason is that in order to adopt, you must have Home Studies completed. That is, you must prove that you have the financial and logistical means to care for additional children. If you are unable to prove this, the social worker will not approve/recommend you for adoption. With this requirement, I know that every adoptive family I see, no matter how large or small, has at least passed that initial test.
I also realize the importance of quality parenting. In today's world, we are torn by an increasing number of obligations- work, family life, leisure, etc. I recognize and strongly respect different families' choices for balancing those obligations. I have equal respect for the stay-at-home mom or dad as I do for the working mother/father. Both have their own unique challenges, rewards and sacrifices. I echo the common belief that parents should have an active role in their children's lives- they should make time for their children and be hands-on parents.
With all that said, adoptive families have one more consideration- to expand a family to give one more child a home or not to, This is a very difficult, heart-wrenching question for those in the adoption world. We all adopted in the first place to give a child in need a home and we are not blind or untouched by the vast number of children that are still orphans or do not have suitable families in this world. It is incredibly difficult to close that door and turn one's back on adoption and children in need.
In adoption, I still strongly believe that financial and logistical considerations are needed, as well as quality parenting and family time. However, I have to look at the alternative- IF that child is not adopted. In many cases, they will never have a family. They may receive little or no education. They may lack good health care. They may never know the sense of belonging or experience the love of a family. Their futures may be grim, with few options available to them.
However, IF that child is adopted, even into a large family, they will have a family. They will experience love, laughter and a sense of belonging. They will receive a good education (yes, even the worst American public school is better than even the best public or private school in many developing countries). They will have access to health care and a future of accomplishing one's dreams.
When I see large adoptive families, I realize that the children may not receive as much one-on-one attention with their parents as families with only two children. I realize that the family may not be able to travel as much or conduct as many leisurely activities as a smaller family. And I realize that the children may not be able to go to expensive colleges courtesy of their parents' bank accounts later in life.
I also realize that in almost all cases, having parents is better than no parents at all. Having a family is better than not having one. Going to school is better than working on the streets. ETC.
I believe that for many of those children, they wouldn't change a thing about their families or family life.
Adopting children isn't about creating society's vision of a perfect family. It isn't about 1-boy, 1- girl or ensuring legacies. It isn't about "making one of your own" or "carrying on the family genes." But it IS about opening hearts, minds, arms and homes to children in need. It's about finding your family and discovering a love greater than you ever imagined. It's about providing hope, happiness and a future to children. It's about kindling the human spirit and the good that is humanity.
So when I see a large adoptive family, I think, "Wow! Wow! WOW! You gave ALL those children a loving family! How amazing is that!" And it truly is- AMAZING!
For starters, Ron and I are thrilled that Aidan is in our lives and we couldn't be happier to call him our son. Although we're both happier in our family lives than we have ever been with just one child, we want to adopt more. How many more is yet to be decided...at least 2 more, but we're taking it step by step as we go. We could end up with 3 or 13...well, not that many ;)
I will be one of the first to say I am not one to make a distinction between biological children and adoptive children. In my mind, they're all children- brothers, sisters, sons, daughters. Although I don't have any biological children, I know that I would love Aidan just as equally (and maybe even more) as any biological child. I have spoken with many other adoptive parents and their responses are the same. There is no difference. They are all their children- sons and daughters.
However, I feel that there is one topic where there is a difference between adoptive and biological children in my mind- HOW MANY! I think that for many of us, if we saw a family with 10 children, we would think, "HOLY COW! That's a lot of kids!"
For me, my thinking goes further. Although I try not to make distinctions between families, it is obvious when a family is multi-racial and has adopted multi-racial children. These families are easily identified (yes, I know I am missing all the families that have adopted within their same race/ethnic background and I apologize).
If I saw a family with 10 kids, I definitely think, "WOW! That's A LOT!"
BUT, when I see adoptive families with 10 kids, I think, "WOW! You're amazing...good for you!"
Why the difference?
I think the difference is how and why families are grown.
When having biological children, many couples want children that will look, act and think like them- children that will be extensions of themselves and genetic legacies. For this reason, I know many couples are satisfied by having 1-3 children, and usually at least 1 boy and 1 girl. I think it's evident that a 2-child: 1 son, 1 daughter, family is considered ideal in our society. And I can't argue with that. It makes sense and is logical.
However, when adopting children, the story is a bit different. Although I know parents adopt for hundreds of reasons, there is one connecting thread- to give a child a loving family and home that they would otherwise never have.
When building families with adoption, there is no "ideal." We don't have the urge or need to adopt children that look exactly like us. We don't need a boy and girl to carry on our specific genetic traits. But we do have the urge to open our hearts, arms and homes to children in need.
I definitely realize the logistics and resources required to raise a child in today's American society. There are food, medical, housing, clothing and education expenses. Colleges are just a bit pricey and the cost of living in the US is gradually rising. Additionally, one needs to consider the size of a house, the number of beds, the size of a car (no more throwing 10 kids in the back set- Hello seat belts, car seats and safety regulations). There is a lot to be considered when expanding a family. And I am a firm believer (like many of us) that a family should only be expanded if the appropriate resources are available for that child.
Adoptive families are held to these same standards as biological families- if not more so. The reason is that in order to adopt, you must have Home Studies completed. That is, you must prove that you have the financial and logistical means to care for additional children. If you are unable to prove this, the social worker will not approve/recommend you for adoption. With this requirement, I know that every adoptive family I see, no matter how large or small, has at least passed that initial test.
I also realize the importance of quality parenting. In today's world, we are torn by an increasing number of obligations- work, family life, leisure, etc. I recognize and strongly respect different families' choices for balancing those obligations. I have equal respect for the stay-at-home mom or dad as I do for the working mother/father. Both have their own unique challenges, rewards and sacrifices. I echo the common belief that parents should have an active role in their children's lives- they should make time for their children and be hands-on parents.
With all that said, adoptive families have one more consideration- to expand a family to give one more child a home or not to, This is a very difficult, heart-wrenching question for those in the adoption world. We all adopted in the first place to give a child in need a home and we are not blind or untouched by the vast number of children that are still orphans or do not have suitable families in this world. It is incredibly difficult to close that door and turn one's back on adoption and children in need.
In adoption, I still strongly believe that financial and logistical considerations are needed, as well as quality parenting and family time. However, I have to look at the alternative- IF that child is not adopted. In many cases, they will never have a family. They may receive little or no education. They may lack good health care. They may never know the sense of belonging or experience the love of a family. Their futures may be grim, with few options available to them.
However, IF that child is adopted, even into a large family, they will have a family. They will experience love, laughter and a sense of belonging. They will receive a good education (yes, even the worst American public school is better than even the best public or private school in many developing countries). They will have access to health care and a future of accomplishing one's dreams.
When I see large adoptive families, I realize that the children may not receive as much one-on-one attention with their parents as families with only two children. I realize that the family may not be able to travel as much or conduct as many leisurely activities as a smaller family. And I realize that the children may not be able to go to expensive colleges courtesy of their parents' bank accounts later in life.
I also realize that in almost all cases, having parents is better than no parents at all. Having a family is better than not having one. Going to school is better than working on the streets. ETC.
I believe that for many of those children, they wouldn't change a thing about their families or family life.
Adopting children isn't about creating society's vision of a perfect family. It isn't about 1-boy, 1- girl or ensuring legacies. It isn't about "making one of your own" or "carrying on the family genes." But it IS about opening hearts, minds, arms and homes to children in need. It's about finding your family and discovering a love greater than you ever imagined. It's about providing hope, happiness and a future to children. It's about kindling the human spirit and the good that is humanity.
So when I see a large adoptive family, I think, "Wow! Wow! WOW! You gave ALL those children a loving family! How amazing is that!" And it truly is- AMAZING!
Even at 1 child....we are "WOWed" by you and Ron! Your enthusiasm and passion has been infectious and we're thankful to be able to learn about your journeys through this blog! Give your little man a big hug for us! X's + O's!
ReplyDelete