This past Tuesday, Ron and I had our final HomeStudy meeting, which was our first major accomplishment thus far! The HomeStudy is required by all adoption agencies to allow a social worker to discuss adoption with perspective parents (the good, the bad and the ugly), allow the parents to ask the social worker questions, and assess the parents' ability to adopt/parent a child. At first, Ron and I thought this would be just another check in the box, but it proved to be immensely valuable and helpful!
To put yourself in our shoes, trying answering of these questions:
1. Why do you want to be a parent? What kind of parent will you be?
2. What fears do you have about parenting? Be honest
3. What are you most excited about?
4. Describe your childhood? Your life now? Your relationship? Your family? Your friends?
5. Who would you ask to write letters of recommendation for you (4-5 people)?
If you've watched, What to Expect When You're Expecting, I'm sure you're familiar with the scene when the social worker comes to the house one time (not realistic) and the adoptive parents are nervous and hide anything that is embarrassing or not cookie-cutter clean for a straight-jacket parent to have around. Ron and I were kind of similar! Before every meeting, we woke up early to clean the house (vacuum, dust, mop), make our bed, make fresh lemonade, have snacks out for Thea, and dress nicely (including having my hair and make-up done). The house was immaculate. We also hid our wine and margarita mix. I will be honest and say that the dogs were even sedated for 3 of the meetings to keep them calm and quiet in the garage! Yes, we were a mess running around before these meetings but we wanted to be PERFECT!
Ron and I chose a private social worker who works under an adoption agency here in Washington. Thea and her husband adopted a little girl from China 7 years ago, so they understand the adoption process, adoptive parents, adopted children, and the ups and downs. She has her Master's in Social Work and teaches part time at a local university. We chose Thea because "she's been there" and would be the best we felt to help us out.
On our first meeting with Thea, we knew we made the right decision. She was warm, honest and friendly. She made us laugh and was comforting to talk to. Most importantly, she loves adoption and was extremely excited for Ron and I.
At first, Ron and I thought we would meet with Thea 2-3 times. We were wrong. We actually met with her 6 times, each meeting lasting 2.5- 4 hours! So although our adoption timeline has been pushed back because of this, we feel that we'll be better parents and more prepared with our meetings.
The entire point of the HomeStudy is to have a through written report of the adoptive parents, their lives, jobs, families, friends, house and lifestyle. At the end, the social worker makes a recommendation for the parents to be able to adopt. It is our packet advocating us to be parents. The US Immigration Service (USCIS) reviews our final HomeStudy and determines our final eligibility. Although this is quite a process, it prevents child trafficking agents and sexual offenders from adopting children. It also shows other nations that the US values their children that will be adopted and wants the best for them. In the end, Ron and I are extremely happy this is a requirement.
I know this would be impossible, but it would kind of be nice if they required something small but similar for people wanting children. I think every future parent should have a good answer for why they want to be a parent and what kind of parent they'll be. I think everyone should get a letter of recommendation to parent.
On a side note, I strongly recommend any women who is pregnant or trying to become pregnant to ask their mom for a letter of recommendation. First of all, this request is humbling- you're asking your mom to assess you to be a mother. Secondly, it's amazing at what your mother will write. And lastly, it will strengthen your mother-daughter bond!
During our meetings, Ron and I had open discussions with Thea. She asked us questions, we gave her honest answers. We submitted countless amounts of paperwork, waivers, contracts and forms. And she gave us information.
We talked about our want to adopt children vs. having our own. We talked about having a multiracial/cultural family, its benefits, potential complications, and ways to help our future children (a future post will explain). We talked about significant life experiences and how they have helped shape up and the parents we will become. We talked about the grief our future children will experience (again, another post) and ways we can help them cope. We discussed maintaining our children's birth cultures in our daily lives. We talked about our support system, adoption resources and ways to handle difficult situations. We talked about how Ron and I will find time for each other and were given creative ideas to help. We pretty much talked about every and any aspect of parenting a child at every age.
Thea was also responsible for ensuring that Ron and I would make safe parents. Our home was inspected to verify that we have proper fire extinguishers, fire alarms, carbon monoxide detectors and evacuation plans posted. We had numerous background checks- state patrol, FBI finger printing and child abuse/neglect clearances from every state we've lived in. We also had to make sworn statements about our background and each other. I'm proud to say we've passed this portion with flying colors :)
We had the dogs inside for one of the meetings for Thea to meet them since they needed to be included in the HomeStudy. They were overall well-behaved, but very excited about a visitor. Thea has a large dog at home as well, so she was understanding that they were overly excited and normally didn't behave that way. Due to her allergies, the dogs only needed to be inside for one meeting (after this meeting, we kept the dogs mildly sedated in the garage with extra bones/peanut butter to keep them quiet)!
After our last meeting this past Tuesday, Thea we confident we would make great adoptive parents and kept saying how excited and honored she was to be able to write our final report. Our final report should be written within the next week. Then, Ron and I will have to review this before it is sent to an adoption committee for final review. Once it's finalized, we will mail it to USCIS for its ultimate test!
The HomeStudy is one of adoption's most daunting aspects. But Ron and I can now proudly say it actually is fun, educational and extremely worthwhile!
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