Our HomeStudy

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Our HomeStudy is complete!  Ron and I reviewed it today and approved the final draft!  Now it just needs to be reviewed by an adoption agency committee this coming week, copied, signed and notarized!  Then we're going to overnight this to USCIS to complete our I-600A form: Petition to Adopt an Orphan.   Once USCIS approves us, our Dossier will be authenticated, translated and FINALLY mailed to Ethiopia!  One less step to go, one more step done!

This is the first HomeStudy I have ever read, and I thought I would share it with you.  We took out any private, financial or secure information.  I know it's lengthy!  Keep in mind that the HomeStudy is written by our social worker to advocate for our adoption.  As such, she had to write an honest synopsis of Ron and I, but be our strong advocates.  It's obvious Thea wrote about our positive qualities, and ignored our bad (trust me, they exist)!  Feel free to skim over the summary of our lives!

I just wanted to share what the heck a HomeStudy was to those interested as I really had no clue until today!  So this is what we spent the last 2 months trying to have done!

P.S.  To those who wrote our letters of recommendation, THANK YOU!!!!!!  :)

 “Loving a Child has no Boundaries”

SUMMARY/RECOMMENDATION

Kelly and Ron Garberson are approved and recommended to adopt one male child aged 0 – 2 years old with minor correctible medical conditions from the country of Ethiopia.   They are a loving and generous couple with enthusiasm for life and a passion for children and adoption. They are devoted to integrating Ethiopian culture into their lives and will give their adopted child a life full of abundance and opportunity.  

And that's all, folks!  :)  I just hope the USCIS loves this recommendation and is fast to approve it!  Fingers crossed!!!!!!!!1

Why Not American?

In accordance with 4th of July, I decided I would write this post about something Ron and I are asked commonly..."Why aren't you adopting from America?"  This is a very valid question!  We're American.  Ron's in the Army.  We love our country!  Why in the world are we adopting from overseas?!?!?

As a start, we may one day adopt from the US.  Right now, Ron and I are focusing on our two pending adoptions from Ethiopia and Thailand.  Depending on what our life is like with the 2 kiddos when we return to the US, we may find it feasible to adopt 1-2 more kids.  We don't want to overwhelm ourselves and we want to give our first two children the time, love and attention they deserve.  We're not saying "yes" or "no" to anything right now, we're just open to adopting from the US.

We are choosing to adopt internationally because
1.  We feel any child, American or not, deserves a loving home
2.  We want a multicultural family to represent the beauty of the world as we have experienced
3.  We want to adopt young children (0-2 years of age) for our first adoptions to minimize "risk" with adoption and to experience having young children
4.  We will be overseas during our adoption and for the next 3 years, which will limit our access to social workers, psychologists and family support

To adopt from the US, there are 2 different options.

The first option is to adopt an orphaned child in the Foster Care/orphanage system.  There are many children in Foster Care that are not eligible for adoption as their parents or other legal guardians still have legal custody.  However, the children whose parents/guardians have relinquished that custody, adoption is a wonderufl option.  Today there are 107,000 children in foster care waiting to be adopted ranging in age from less than a year old to 21!  In the state of Washington (where we're currently residents), Ron and I could only adopt from our state domestically.  Domestic adoption in Washington allows for

1.  A newborn
2.  A child in Foster Care that is 5 years old or older.  OR a family can foster to adopt a child 3 years of age, and then legally adopt them at 5 years of age if they are still in Foster Care

Although we would love to adopt a child/children from Foster Care, our move to Thailand makes this difficult.  Many children in Foster Care have emotional, mental or physical needs due to their upbringing and convulted pasts.  Some were drug babies, others have history of abuse, many have behavior problems (after hearing/reading their histories, this isn't surprising)!  All of these issues can be worked with and addressed, but they require strong support systems, stability, excellent schools and amazing health/counselor care.  Ron and I feel we would be doing a child injustice by adopting them after 5 chaotic years of life and moving them to Thailand immediately and asking them to cope.  We just feel it would be too much to have a child adjust to a family setting on top of a foreign culture.  When we come back from Thailand, our lives will be much more stable where such an adoption would be much more fair and reasonable for an adopted child.  for More information about adopting a child in Foster Care, please visit http://www.adoptuskids.org/meet-the-children.

In researching the children in Foster Care, I found it hard not to cry in reading their biographies and wants.  Many state that they want a family so badly!  Their bios and pictures are sure to pull at your heartstrings!
https://www.nwae.org/PhotoIndex-WARE-dbC.php?tn=3 .  Many of these children are older, but are still in need of loving homes.  I know it's scary to think of adopting an older child, but I know it can be rewarding and fulfilling!  One of my friends in college, Ashley Rhodes-Courter, was adopted when she was a teenager.  Her story is amazing and tear-jerking, but what she has done with her life is beyond inspiring!  Check out her book and bio here: http://www.rhodes-courter.com/ .  She's currently running for State Senate in Florida with a baby on the way!  Ashley, if you're reading this, congratulations and GOOD LUCK! 

The entire point of us wanting to adopt is to open our home up to orphaned children.  In our minds, that means a child that is already born and has been "given away."

Many American couples choose to adopt a newborn.  They want the entire experience with a child and the opportunity to bond with them from Day 1.  Many families that go this route enjoy being a part of the pregnancy.  Many of these couples are also ProLife and feel they are are saving an unborn baby from abortion.

For these adoptions, pregnant women are "recruited" form advertisements to consider adopting their child (Have you seen the billboards that say, "Confused?  Lost?  Consider Adoption," etc.).  Once a mother enters into an agreement with an agency, the mother then looks through the database of eligible couples that applied for adoption.  The birth mother reads their biographies, looks at family pictures, etc. before choosing the adoptive parents.  Once chosen, the parents are notified.  Then, depending on the state, the birth mother goes to court.  Depending on her living situation, she can request money from the adoptive parents to help pay for her living expenses and medical bills while she is pregnant.  Some states, like Indiana, don't allow this.  Other states have a maximum the birth mother can request.  Other states have no limit.  A judge reviews the case and then says what the adoptive parents must pay the agency, who then pay the birth mother for her living/medical expenses.  These expenses can range from $0.00 to $15,000.00 for 6 months of care.  Adoptive parents can specify what expenses, if any, they would be open to accepting and paying the birth mother.  This is put in their profile for review by the birth mother. 

Hearing this literally made me cringe.  I couldn't get beyond the fact the the birth parents would have to pay the birth mother.  Many agnecy representives tried explaining that these birth mothers often dont' have much, which I understand completely, but I just can't see paying for expenses that may or may not be used appropriately.

IF at any time the birth mother decides she wants to keep her child, she can, up until she gives birth.  Some agencies provide "insurance" for the adoptive couples finances in case this happens.  They'll re-imubrse the couples and help the start over.  However, many agencies don't provide any insurance and then the adoptive parents have to start all over without any reimbursement if this happens. 

I called many agencies during our initial research stage and was given the following information for fees:

$2,000.00: HomeStudy Fee
$4,000.00: Advertising Fee (to adverstise the adoptive parents to birth mothers)
$5,000.00: Agency Fee
$6,000.00: Legal Fee
$2,000.00: Paperwork Fee
$0-$8,000: Money for birth mother's expenses

The total is therefore around $20,000 to $28,000, which is the same price for an international adoption of a "true orphan.

I'm not ProLife.  I'm ProChoice.  Although I recognize the need and want for newborn adoptions, I couldn't do it myself.  I couldn't see Ron and I essentially "paying" a young girl to keep her baby for us to have.  In my mind, what are we teaching this girl?  That she can be irresponsible, get pregnant, and get paid for it?  Adoption is better than having/raising a child in an unwanted envrionment, don't get me wrong.  But with 7 billion people on earth and already having 157 million orphans, I couldn't see ourselves paying a young girl to keep her baby rather than abort.  That's just me though. 

So we're not adopting from the US at this time.  If and when we adopt an American child, it will be a child in need in the Foster Care system.  It will be a child or sibling group who is in need of a stable family, loving home and all of the support resources they need (and that we can provide).  When we return from Thailand, we may have this.  If it fits into our family, we'll be more than anxious to adopt children from our own country!  After all, Aidan and Lanna Rain may want older brother or sister :)

Grief, Loss and Adoption

Adoption, without a doubt, is full of joy, fulfillment and happiness.  It is a process that completes an adult's wish to be a parent and allows a child to be a part of a loving family.  It truly is a beautiful thing.

However, like most things in life, adoption is not perfect.  In being true to the purpose of this blog- to be open and honest about our journey, Ron and I need to write about some of the less than perfect aspects we have learned, experienced, and will encounter.

The first of these topics are those of grief and loss.  Both are very broad terms that encompass so much in adoption.  They are topics that Ron and I have had to consider and discuss at the beginning of our journey.  They're topics we have taken courses on, read essays about and have been talked to about from Thea, our social worker.  They are things that we will address now, when we meet our children, and deal with for the rest of their (and our) lives.

Grief in adoption can be seen in many areas.  The first area we learned is grief suffered from the parents.  For many parents adopting, there is a strong sense of grief about not being able to have a natural born child.  For Ron and I, this isn't the case as adoption is our Plan A for a family.  However, just imagining the grief and loss someone experiences in trying to have a baby is enough to almost bring me to tears.  For many parents, as exciting as adoption is, it still comes with a sense of loss.

Ron and I already feel a sense of grief.  We recognize that adoption is not a solution to the world's poverty or the plight of the orphan.  It is a band-aid for one or two children.  Knowing that when we adopt our children, there will still be so many more in need causes us grief.  How do you leave an orphanage with just 1 child when there are hundreds of others left behind?  This is something Ron and I constantly discuss and try to address.  It's tough!

Another feeling of grief we have discussed (and makes me cry when I think about) is the sense of loss our children will feel.  Although we will raise them in a loving and caring environment, and we will love them as our own, they will always know they're not our natural born children.  They will know that somewhere, someone left them.  They will know that at some point, their lives were too much for their parents or families and were given up to an orphanage.  No matter how much we show and tell them they are loved, this immense feeling of loss will occur.  It's a feeling of loss, guilt, grief, abandonment and not being wanted.  It is something we are training to deal with.  We have learned that our children will respond differently to this feeling at different stages of development.  Through all stages, behaviors and reactions, we will be open, understanding, supportive and loving.  It will be difficult to witness our children feel such emotions, but is something that is bittersweet.  I hate that our children will feel such feelings, but at the same time, I will be proud of how our children handle this.  We also will be reminded of our adoption story, where our children came from, their host culture, and the wonderful people in their native countries.

Our children may never know their birth families.  Ron and I will help our children with every means imaginable to find their birth families when they're older if they so wish to do so.  But what if their parents have passed?  What if they can't be found?  Can you imagine going through life and never knowing what your Mom and Dad look like?  Never knowing where your nose or eyes come from?  That crocked smile?  Or what you'll look like?  This is another sense of loss our children will experience, and again, is something we will do our best to address.

Ron and I are American.  We think, act and talk American.  Although we have broad world views, we are still American.  Our children will be raised in an American society.  They will speak English, attend American schools and do American things.  But they will know they're not native-born American.  They will know they were born somewhere else, in another country, and are of another culture.  Ron and I are going to try our hardest to include their birth cultures in our lives with food, language, holidays, traditions and celebrations.  We are planning on traveling back to their countries routinely to celebrate their heritage.  But we cannot give them what they will have lost - a feeling of belonging in the place you were born.  We have read stories of adopted children that have grown up.  Many love being American, but many feel a sense of loss of their birth country.  When they travel to that country, they realize they don't fully fit in.  They bridge the difference between two countries and cultures.  Our children may feel this way.

In a naive world, our children will come into our lives, love us unconditionally as their parents, and won't worry about where they were born, who their birth parents are or have feelings of loss.  They would just be so happy to have been adopted and given the life they have.  But we're not in a naive world.

In our world, our children will feel a sense of loss at some point.  I actually think this is the most real, and actually, is more ideal than the "naive" world.  Why?  It's not that we want our children to be sad or experience strong negative emotions.  It's that we want our children to understand adoption.  We want them to know where they were born and be proud of their birth country and heritage.  We want them to feel real emotions, analyze the world and life they're in, and learn how to accept reality.  We don't want to cover anything up.  And we want them to know that no matter what they feel, Ron and I are there for them with open arms, loving hearts, and understanding minds.

Grief and loss, I'm sure you can see, are difficult to think and talk about.  But it's honest, true and real.  Our goal as parents (and family and friends) is to help our children see that their feelings are normal and expected.  We want them to know that their feelings are ok and that Ron and I are supportive of them.  But above all, our goal is to help our children rise above these feelings of loss and grief so that they may be stronger and more equipped to deal with them throughout their lives as happy, successful adults.

Financing Our Adoption

Adoption cannot be fully discussed without disclosing the financial aspects of the process.  As this is a sensitive topic (yes, another one), I don't want to seem that we are flaunting finances or "buying" a child.  To stay true to the blog, I'll continue to be open and honest, but we will keep some specifics private as I don't think everything needs to be shared.

I'll begin by saying that adoption is not free.  It's far from it.  But depending on the road you take, the cost can greatly vary.

Looking at the United States for example, the price to adopt a legally adoptable child in the US from an orphanage or foster care is extremely inexpensive, and there are many state programs that cover these costs.  The HomeStudies for these cases are commonly covered or minimal as well.  There are also national programs that help with lawyer fees and whatnot.  However, adopting a newborn infant from a pregnant mom can be quite pricey: $15,000 - $30,000.  This is for couples who recruit pregnant mothers in the hopes of adopting.  Agency fees, medical bills, living expenses and legal fees must be covered.

Adopting internationally has a wide range of finances as well.  From what I have found, adoptions with African nations are the least expensive.  Latin America and Asian countries lie in the middle.  Eastern European nations are generally the most expensive to adopt from.  The fees involved for international adoption include agency fees, birth country government fees, travel expenses, HomeStudy/paperwork expenses, orphanage fees and Visa fees.  All of these can vary greatly.

When Ron and I first started looking into adoption, finances were a large consideration.  It is evident that for almost everyone finances are one of the main consideration with adoption.  Almost every adoption agency posts their fees for each country in a visible place on their website, and when I called to ask for information, the cost of adoption with that agency was one of the first things the representative would tell me.  This was extremely helpful in knowing what we could and could not afford.

As discussed in an earlier post, Ron and I knew we were essentially limited to adopting from Russia or Ethiopia once we moved to Thailand.  This was due to the adoption processes and laws of those countries as well as the US (the two-trip rule).  The price difference of adopting from Russia and Ethiopia is HUGE!

Adopting from Russia can cost anywhere from $40,000-$80,000, depending on the scenario.
Adopting from Ethiopia can cost anywhere from $20,000-$40,000, depending on the scenario.

The main difference is in country fees.  Ethiopia simply charges less for adoption than Russia does, and the costs are reflected in what the adoptive parent pays.

Ron and I then decided on Ethiopia (which was good as our heart was set on an African country).

Finances played a large role in finalizing our adoption agency.  As discussed before, we wanted an accredited agency that fits our needs, but that wouldn't break that bank.  I contacted over 30 agencies before deciding on Adoption Avenues.

For our Ethiopia adoption, the prices are as follows:

Application Fee: $250.00
Communication Fee: $200.00
Agency Fees: $4,000.00
International Fee (Ethiopian fee): $9,000.00
Translation/Processing Fees: $550.00

Total: $14,000.00.

In addition to these costs, Ron and I will have the following fees...

HomeStudy Fee: $1,600.00
Document Fee: $500.00
Notary Fees: $200.00
HomeStudy Update Fees: $1,000.00
USCIS Application: $850.00
Visa fees: $500.00
Post-Placement Reports: $1,000.00

We estimate our travel fees to Ethiopia (2 trips) to be around $4,000.00.  We will be using airline miles to cover the cost of airfare for at least one of these trips (2 if possible).

So the estimated total cost is of our Ethiopian adoption is close to $23,000.00.

This is us being open and honest!  Keep in mind that this isn't due all at once.  We have started to pay for the adoption, and will continue to do so until we bring Aidan (the name we chose for our son) home.

To put this in perspective, Ron and I won't have any labor and delivery medical costs.  We won't have an expensive co-pay for a c-section or NICU.  We will be adopting our son when he's around 1 year old, so we will not be paying for his clothes, diapers, health care and formula for his first 12 months.  When you add up all these potential fees if we had a natural born child, adoption isn't really that much more expensive!

In researching adoption, Ron and I found hundreds of couples who financed their adoptions through fundraising!  We even found a family that was able to fundraise enough money in 3 days to adopt 2 children instead of 1!  There are many grants, church groups, charities and other organizations that help fund adoptions and donate to families.  The resources available are incredible!

At first, Ron and I thought of trying to fundraise.  However, after making our budget and realizing the number of children in need of adoption, we changed our minds.  Although there are many resources available, they are not unlimited and endless.  We felt that we should not be taking those funds away from families in true need.  So we went a different route - we cut back.

Over the past 6 months, Ron and I have saved and saved and saved.  We cut back on a lot of little things we used to do.  We stopped eating out a lot (a HUGE money saver).  We purchased all our gas at Costco.  We bargain shopped.  We shopped at the local good will and thrift stores for baby clothes, gear, books and toys (we estimate we spent $800.00 on over $4,000.00 worth of items)!  We purchased washable/reusable diapers (BumGenius, http://www.bumgenius.com/organic.php) to save on diaper costs over the next 3 years for 2 children ($400.00 in diapers, which will save at least an estimated $5,000.00 for 2 children in 3 years: http://www.diaperingdecisions.com/VirtuesOfCloth.htm).  We sold belongings that we never used or no longer had use for (clothes, furniture, outdoor gear).  We turned our heat down, reduced our internet speed, and continued to have no cable TV.  We cut down on Christmas and birthday presents this year. 

We have been laughed at for doing so.  Yes, even I will admit that our house was a bit chilly these past few months (62-65 degrees, MAX) and I always wore a jacket!  When Ron was in Cambodia for 2 months, he ate simply and brought his own food to capitalize on the per diem pay he received rather than blowing it everyday on food and drinks, which was laughed at.  But it has been worth it.

These small cutbacks, as well as aggressive savings, have paid off.  We will be able to pay for our adoption ourselves without jeopardizing our other finances.  It's amazing at how much money we "wasted" before making these changes!

Our adoption from Thailand is completely different.  The Thai government does not charge any fees for adoption, and we will be doing the adoption directly through the government rather than with an agency.  We will still need to do an updated HomeStudy (about $1,000.00) and pay for a new USCIS application ($750.00).  But other than that, that's it.  The Thai adoption will take much longer to complete: 2-3 years, but it will be worth it!

To end this blog,  I will say that there are 2 current adoption credits that will help Ron and I with our adoptions.

1.  The Military Adoption Credit: The US military currently grants military families $2,000.00 to help cover adoption expenses AFTER the adoption is complete.  This grant is available for each child, but has a maximum of $5,000/year.  This credit, I believe, is reimbursable (meaning that if an adoption only cost $500, that is all you'll receive back).  Basically, you can't make money with this adoption credit.

On a side note, Service Members are granted an additional non-chargeable 21 days of leave for adoption travel and family days.  TriCare also begins covering children upon matching or placement, depending on the situation (and definitely upon legal adoption)!  For more information, visit
http://www.militaryfamily.org/your-benefits/adoption/reimbursement/

2.  The US Adoption Tax Credit: This tax credit expires in 2012.  Currently, the credit grants around $13,000 for non-refundable adoption expenses.  This means that if our adoption is completed in 2012, we will have a $13,000 non-refundable credit.  This can be applied for the next 5 years on our taxes.  If we owe money on our taxes, this money will be deducted from the $13,000 credit so we won't have to owe money.  However, if we don't owe any money in taxes, this credit will be transferred to the following year.  This credit is for re-reimbursable expenses only (If an adoption cost $5,000, that is the maximum credit you will receive.  Only direct adoption fees can be used in calculating the credit, so we're keeping ALL receipts).  It may help us a lot, or not at all, depending on our taxes over the next few years.

This credit expires in 2012.  There is a push to extend the credit to 2015.  President Obama included the extension of the Adoption Tax Credit in his budget.  However, it still needs to be passed in Congress.  If our adoption is finalized in 2013, this tax credit won't apply.  There is a chance the tax credit may be approved to be refundable (as it was in 2011).  If this passes, every adopted family will be reimbursed up to $13,000 for adoption expenses.  It will not matter if they owe anything in taxes.  With a refundable tax credit, you can get a tax return as well as the tax credit.  Again, you can't make money on an adoption-you can only receive back what you paid.  For obvious reasons, our fingers are crossed that the Adoption Tax Credit is at least extended, if not extended and made refundable.

For more information:
http://www.irs.gov/individuals/article/0,,id=231663,00.html
http://www.nacac.org/taxcredit/taxcredit20122013.html
 http://adoptiontaxcredit.org/legislation/

To help extend the Adoption Tax Credit:
Please "LIKE" https://www.facebook.com/AdoptionTaxCredit

Different people spend their money differently.  Some people enjoy nice cars or fancy jewelry.  Others prefer lavish vacations or a day of pampering.  Although I will admit I like those things, I love many other things more and want to do more with our money.  Ron and I joke that I am getting a rare African diamond and a precious Thai ruby in this process.  Although I will never wear these precious stones, I know that when my little gems smile, they will sparkle and glitter more than any other precious stone on earth.  To Ron and I, that precious sparkle makes every penny in this journey more than worth it!!!!

So in the end, is adoption expensive?  Yes.  Is it doable?  Yes!  With the help of agencies, grants, government aid and fundraising, as well as simple lifestyle changes and budgeting, adoption can be affordable to many families.  In our minds, we would rather spend our money on adoption than anything else.  There's no better gift than the gift of love and a family, and that's the exact gift Ron and I are giving each other, our family, and our future children for years to come!

Painting our World in Color...

This post is all about COLOR!

I want to begin with the fact that, for many of us, this is a sensitive subject and one we were raised to tread lightly with.  Please note we tried to make this an open and honest discussion, and I truly apologize if it offends anyone (if it does, please let me know via messages/texts/e-mails as Ron and I are trying to find ways to discuss this topic in an open, non-offensive way).

Ron and I were raised that skin color does not define a person, their character does.  Our life experiences have proven that this is 100% true.  And although color doesn't affect how one should be perceived or judged, it can't be ignored.  As much as we want to say skin color doesn't matter, it does.  We live in a world full of COLOR, and as we once were told, "Not seeing color means you're not really seeing a person."  During our adoption journey, Ron and I learned so much about COLOR and its role on our adoption.  

One of the many realizations we have found is that just because you see and acknowledge COLOR doesn't make you racist, mean or closed minded.  It just means that you're aware differences exist.  Looking around in our daily lives, we recognize male and female all the time.  Is there a difference in what the two groups can accomplish or who they are?  Not really.  But there is maybe a difference in how different sexes think and feel, their life experiences, the way they see the world and the way the world sees them.  COLOR is by no means  the same as gender, but I hope you can see that the reflections are similar.  Having different colors of skin represents that we're the same, but different.

Ron and I are white.  That doesn't make us better or worse than anyone else.  We're just simply white.  Every time we look in the mirror, we see this.  We see the world through white glasses.  We are used to being the majority race in the United States.  Although we can try our hardest to wear glasses of other colors, we will never truly know what it's like to see the world through them.  We can only try understand.

We are adopting two children.  Both will be from ethnic minority groups, which will pose different life experiences, triumphs and challenges for them, as well as for Ron and I.

Our son will be from Ethiopia.  He will be black.  It's crazy because I have been raised not to say that (Black), but Ron and I have been told over and over again that we need to see and become accustomed to that.  If we can see and maturely address differences, than how will our children learn how to do so?  Ron and I wouldn't be adopting a child from Ethiopia if we weren't eager for a multiracial family.  In our discussions prior to adoption, Ron and I talked about raising a child of a different race.  We realized that in doing so, we will never be able to "hide" our adoption.  From day 1, everyone will know our son is not ours by birth.  Our son will know he's different than us from a very early age, and he will be reminded of his adoption daily just by the colors of our skin.  Our son will need to face challenges of having white parents.  After discussing this, it was evident that this was something Ron and I knew we could handle and address as best we could.  But it does present its own challenges.

Our daughter will be from Thailand.  She will be Asian.  Again, she will face many of the same challenges as our son.  She will come into our family with a black brother and white parents.  She will know she is adopted and is different than her parents and brother.  She will realize and face this daily.


During our meetings with Thea and our adoption classes, we have learned even more about COLOR.  For example, we have been told to "COLOR our world."  We were asked to put ourselves in our future children's shoes.  They will be a different COLOR than their parents.  Their natural role models (Ron and I as their parents) won't look like them and they will always feel different.  We will have different skin, hair and eyes.  However, our job is then to find environments for our children where they won't feel that way.  We have been asked (actually, pretty much told) that we MUST find ways to involve our children in as many multiracial environments as possible.  These include: the pediatrician, grocery store, schools, our neighborhood, after school activities, the playground, etc.


The reason - our children must feel a sense of belonging and see others like them to help them feel like they truly belong.  We have to COLOR our world so our children fit in.


We have also been asked to ensure that our children are exposed to and personally know adults of different colors for role models.  As much as Ron and I will be their role models, we cannot completely be their "this is what I'm going to look like when I grow up" model for them.  As such, we need to provide our children with that security through other adults.

Another thing we were told to consider is children's books and movies, as well as pictures around our home.  We were told to purchase children's books that display a diversity of people, and movies as well.  Ron and I made several trips to the good-will to purchase children's books.  We were able to choose a variety of books that included diverse characters.  We found books with animal characters to be the most helpful!  But this task wasn't as easy as it seemed.  It really emphasized that we live in a white-dominated society, which is interesting at the recent Census' shows that this has been changing and shifting.  We hope that with this continual shift, it will become easier to help our children feel a sense of belonging and to embrace their skin colors.


We also discussed being open to discussions of COLOR.  As stated before, Ron and I live in a world viewed through white glasses.  Our children may have different experiences in school, with friends and in sports/other activities than we did.  We have to try our best to imagine their world through their glasses so that we can try to understand, sympathize and be fully open to their lives.  Not doing so means we're not fully addressing our children's needs and being the best parents that we can be.

If someone says something to our daughter on the playground (which we pray won't happen), we can never fully understand what she feels.  We will have to do our very best to ensure that she knows she is loved and that she can be comforted by us.  We will let her know that we try to understand and to give her life tools to cope.  The same is will be true if someone says something to our son.


We have been told to ask questions.  This is a heads up to all of our friends reading this that are not white.  :)  We want to understand what makes the world different for you.  How do you feel?  What are your experiences?  The more we hear and realize, the more we can help our children.  And when/if we ask, we're not trying to sound ignorant or racist.  We are asking with open hearts and minds in an attempt to fully understand.


We have been told to touch.  African hair is much different than Caucasian or Asian hair.  We actually took an hour-long course on African hair care.  Why?  Because we just didn't have a clue about it!  But we're trying to learn.  We're trying to learn how to help our son have strong self-esteem growing up, learn how to care for his own hair, and help him fit into American society with African roots.  In Thailand, we will learn all we can about Thai hair and skin care.  We want our daughter to be raised knowing how to style her hair best and apply makeup that is complementary to her, not me.  It is our goal for our daughter to be proud of her Asian roots, flourish in an American society, and have strong self-esteem about who she is and where she comes from. 


As our son will be black, he will be faced with various stereotypes.  It is our job to try to learn what these are so we can help him along the way.  Our daughter will be Asian, and may be faced with completely different (or even the same) stereotypes.  Again, it is our responsibility to help her as much as we can, and always be understanding.


Although Ron and I have much to learn on this topic, we feel lucky.  Living in Asia for 4 years where I was the minority has really helped open my eyes to seeing life through other glasses.  I know what it's like to feel different, that you belong but you don't, and that you can become very aware of COLOR very quickly.  Attending international schools has expanded my view even further with the large diversity.  I have learned that being the minority isn't a bad thing at all and that many positive experiences easily can result.  In serving in the Army, Ron has worked with every race imaginable.  He is very accustomed to working with a vast variety of people.  We feel that our minds are broad and we're not naive.  We feel that we have a good head start, but that there's still much to learn.  Although we will always only be able to truly see the world through white glasses, we have learned that our lives have given our glasses very strong tints of other colors!


At first, Ron and I really wished that we wouldn't have to be discussing COLOR.  We wish that our children can be raised in world where COLOR isn't an issue, and that we could guarantee that they would be treated as everyone else.  We wish that the world would see someone for who they are, not for their skin.  However, after leaning more, we realize that COLOR is a beautiful thing- it's part of who someone is and where they came from.  We live in a gloriously colorful world and it should be something to embrace and celebrate, not close our eyes to.


Writing this post is one of first of many efforts to COLOR our world, for us and for our children!  Let's see how vibrant and rich our COLORFUL world can become!!!!!!

Home Study Reflection...

This past Tuesday, Ron and I had our final HomeStudy meeting, which was our first major accomplishment thus far!  The HomeStudy is required by all adoption agencies to allow a social worker to discuss adoption with perspective parents (the good, the bad and the ugly), allow the parents to ask the social worker questions, and assess the parents' ability to adopt/parent a child.  At first, Ron and I thought this would be just another check in the box, but it proved to be immensely valuable and helpful!

To put yourself in our shoes, trying answering of these questions:

1.  Why do you want to be a parent?  What kind of parent will you be?
2.  What fears do you have about parenting?  Be honest
3.  What are you most excited about?
4.  Describe your childhood?  Your life now?  Your relationship?  Your family?  Your friends?
5.  Who would you ask to write letters of recommendation for you (4-5 people)?

If you've watched, What to Expect When You're Expecting, I'm sure you're familiar with the scene when the social worker comes to the house one time (not realistic) and the adoptive parents are nervous and hide anything that is embarrassing or not cookie-cutter clean for a straight-jacket parent to have around.  Ron and I were kind of similar!  Before every meeting, we woke up early to clean the house (vacuum, dust, mop), make our bed, make fresh lemonade, have snacks out for Thea, and dress nicely (including having my hair and make-up done).  The house was immaculate.  We also hid our wine and margarita mix.  I will be honest and say that the dogs were even sedated for 3 of the meetings to keep them calm and quiet in the garage!  Yes, we were a mess running around before these meetings but we wanted to be PERFECT!

Ron and I chose a private social worker who works under an adoption agency here in Washington.  Thea and her husband adopted a little girl from China 7 years ago, so they understand the adoption process, adoptive parents, adopted children, and the ups and downs.  She has her Master's in Social Work and teaches part time at a local university.  We chose Thea because "she's been there" and would be the best we felt to help us out.

On our first meeting with Thea, we knew we made the right decision.  She was warm, honest and friendly.  She made us laugh and was comforting to talk to.  Most importantly, she loves adoption and was extremely excited for Ron and I.

At first, Ron and I thought we would meet with Thea 2-3 times.  We were wrong.  We actually met with her 6 times, each meeting lasting 2.5- 4 hours!  So although our adoption timeline has been pushed back because of this, we feel that we'll be better parents and more prepared with our meetings.

The entire point of the HomeStudy is to have a through written report of the adoptive parents, their lives, jobs, families, friends, house and lifestyle.  At the end, the social worker makes a recommendation for the parents to be able to adopt.  It is our packet advocating us to be parents.  The US Immigration Service (USCIS) reviews our final HomeStudy and determines our final eligibility.  Although this is quite a process, it prevents child trafficking agents and sexual offenders from adopting children.  It also shows other nations that the US values their children that will be adopted and wants the best for them.  In the end, Ron and I are extremely happy this is a requirement.

I know this would be impossible, but it would kind of be nice if they required something small but similar for people wanting children.  I think every future parent should have a good answer for why they want to be a parent and what kind of parent they'll be.  I think everyone should get a letter of recommendation to parent.

On a side note, I strongly recommend any women who is pregnant or trying to become pregnant to ask their mom for a letter of recommendation.  First of all, this request is humbling- you're asking your mom to assess you to be a mother.  Secondly, it's amazing at what your mother will write.  And lastly, it will strengthen your mother-daughter bond!

During our meetings, Ron and I had open discussions with Thea.  She asked us questions, we gave her honest answers.  We submitted countless amounts of paperwork, waivers, contracts and forms.  And she gave us information.

We talked about our want to adopt children vs. having our own.  We talked about having a multiracial/cultural family, its benefits, potential complications, and ways to help our future children (a future post will explain).  We talked about significant life experiences and how they have helped shape up and the parents we will become.  We talked about the grief our future children will experience (again, another post) and ways we can help them cope.  We discussed maintaining our children's birth cultures in our daily lives.  We talked about our support system, adoption resources and ways to handle difficult situations.  We talked about how Ron and I will find time for each other and were given creative ideas to help.  We pretty much talked about every and any aspect of parenting a child at every age.

Thea was also responsible for ensuring that Ron and I would make safe parents.  Our home was inspected to verify that we have proper fire extinguishers, fire alarms, carbon monoxide detectors and evacuation plans posted.  We had numerous background checks- state patrol, FBI finger printing and child abuse/neglect clearances from every state we've lived in.  We also had to make sworn statements about our background and each other.  I'm proud to say we've passed this portion with flying colors :)

We had the dogs inside for one of the meetings for Thea to meet them since they needed to be included in the HomeStudy.  They were overall well-behaved, but very excited about a visitor.  Thea has a large dog at home as well, so she was understanding that they were overly excited and normally didn't behave that way.  Due to her allergies, the dogs only needed to be inside for one meeting (after this meeting, we kept the dogs mildly sedated in the garage with extra bones/peanut butter to keep them quiet)!

After our last meeting this past Tuesday, Thea we confident we would make great adoptive parents and kept saying how excited and honored she was to be able to write our final report.  Our final report should be written within the next week.  Then, Ron and I will have to review this before it is sent to an adoption committee for final review.  Once it's finalized, we will mail it to USCIS for its ultimate test!

The HomeStudy is one of adoption's most daunting aspects.  But Ron and I can now proudly say it actually is fun, educational and extremely worthwhile!

Some Lessons Learned...

Even though we're at the beginning of this adoption journey, Ron and I have learned countless life and adoption lessons thus far.  I wanted to share some with you...

1.  Adoption makes you believe and have faith.  Prior to adoption, I was a Christian, but I didn't pray often or go to church.  Although Ron and I realize adopting is a very Christian thing to do, we are not necessiarly doing this because the Bible says to care for the orphans or love your neighbor as yourself.  However, we have both become more strong in our faith through this process.  It requires so much faith that our son and daughter are out there somewhere (if they're even born) and that everything will fall into place.  It requires faith that our social worker, agency, US immigration and Ethiopian and Thai governments will all pull through and approve us in a timely matter.  We have faith that Ethiopia and Thailand won't close their adoption doors tomorrow.  This entire process is 1,000% out of our control, which for both of us, is unchartered terrority.  But after meeting so many people who have adopted and hearing their stories, we can't but help it to have faith.  I find it ironic that a very Christian act is actually making Ron and I stronger Christians in the process!

2.  Patience didn't exist until now.  Although Ron and I have both have lived very busy lives, full of events that require patience and waiting, I don't think these past events compare to this.  Ron's deployments were all about waiting.  Our move to Thailand is all about waiting.  Graduating from vet school was all about waiting.  The adoption process is all about waiting.  But unlike the other events, the adoption process is out of our control, with no end point in sight.  We have no idea when we'll be matched with our son or daughter.  And that hard part is, there's not much we can do about it.  All we can do is wait...and so our patience grows!  As does our faith.


3.  Our want to adopt has increased.  Before beginning this process, it was evident that Ron and I really wanted to adopt.  But now we REALLY, REALLY want to adopt.  It's one of those things that the more you learn, the more you find appealing.  The more people we meet, the more eager we are.  And the further along in the process we get, the more excited we are.

4.  Some people will never understand.  Others can change their minds.  During this process, we have encountered several people who are wary of our journey or have stated that they disagree with our process.  We have heard, "Why don't you just have your own kids?" or "Why not adopt from the US?"  The fact is, we're not going to please everyone, and we don't want to.  We're adopting for us and our family.  We have learned that through watching Ron and I, and seeing our perserverence, many people have changed their minds.  Many that were naysayers are now huge supporters.  Not all, but some.  People can change once they realized what we're doing is actually ok, well, more than ok- wonderful!  We just had to be patient for them to come around!



5.  It's not easy.  I know I'm not pregnant with a fetus growing in my uterus.  I know I don't have body changes and hormone fluxes on a daily/hourly/minute basis.  I know I won't be giving birth to my child or going through the nursing process.  I know.  Ron and I- we know.  Even though I'm not doing a lot, Ron and I are still going through a lot.  There have been triumph days when we have felt the world was on our side and we were getting things accomplished.  There have been awful days, where nothing was going well and we were taking giant steps backwards on our timeline with things out of our control.  There are days we're so excited it's unreal.  There are also days that we're incredibly nervous and scared.  On the first day, our social worker called me "Paper pregnant."  Although I don't have a growing belly, our stack of signed/notarized/official paperwork is growing by the day!  There are definitely ups and downs, twists and turns with the process.  It's not always easy or as simple as just "signing up."  But it's worth it...we know it is!  That's what our faith is for :)


6.  There are people EVERYWHERE who have been adopted or who have adopted.  This is crazy but it literally seems that since Ron and I submitted our application to adopt, a magic door has opened and there are adoptive families EVERYWHERE!  We go to the grocery store and there is a family.  We go to the thrift store and there's a family.  We get our fingerprints done and there is a parent.  We go the the Olmsted Orientation and there is a scholar.  Even at work, I have met several families who are owners of pets going through the adoptive process.  There's always this instant connection and sense of understanding.  This has given Ron and I an enormous support system (even if just mentally) and reassurance that we will be ok, and our future children will be ok, no matter what they experience in life prior to us.


7.  It's not all picture perfect, and it may not be.  We have heard our social worker tell us time and time again, "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best."  Adopting isn't getting a perfect, 100% healthy child that you "paid" for.  It's not "build a kid" where you can request every specific quality.  It's hope and faith.  There's a large chance our children may have developmental, mental, emotional and medical special needs, even if the are deemed "healthy" on their paperwork and on first exam.  They may experience a huge feeling of grief and loss about their birth families and native countries.  They may even reject Ron and I as parents.  There are so many unknowns!  Ron and I are trying to be prepared for everything that we can be.  Even after the adoption process, we will be discussing and working with adoption every single day for the rest of our lives, learning along the way.  We just have faith that we're going to be the best parents we can be and show our children love, compassion, respect and understanding.  It may not be picture perfect, but we have faith that it will be perfect for us however it plays out!



8.  It's worth it :)  I know, we're not at the end of the tunnel yet.  But we can tell you that this process is completely worth every tear, penny, second and drop of sweat we will put into it.

Although Ron and I respect and value the call to "create" and "give" life, were are drawn more to saving lives.
The world has 7 billion people.

There are 157 million orphaned children in the world.
There are 53 million orphans in Africa.
There are 5 million orphans in Ethiopia.
There are 58.9 million orphans in Asia.

There are 1.4 million orphans in Thailand.

Rather than giving a life to a natural birth child, we're saving two (at least 2 for now :) ) children that are already here on Earth.  In our minds, it is evident that we, as the human race, have failed in many aspects.  If we didn't, there wouldn't be the numbers stated above regarding orphans.  At the same time, we also see that we, as a human race, have the amazing ability to make change and a difference.  No matter how small.  I would do ANYTHING to bring those millions of orphans down to thousands, hundreds, or ZERO.  But I can't.  Ron and I can't.  But we are bringing that number down by 2.  And that's a start.  2 is better than 1 which is better than none.  Knowing that alone makes this process worth it, let alone the fullfilment and joy we will receive by being parents and having a family.  But just knowing that's we're making a very, itty bitty dent already is a great gift!

So I'll end with this...

Adoption so far has been a wonderful, bumpy, beautiful, crazy, emotional ride.  But it's amazing.   Absolutely amazing.  And if you're at all looking into being a parent, adding to your family, or opening your hearts to someone in need, adoption is an equally viable option to do so.  It doesn't need to be Plan B, C or D.   It doesn't need to cause a sense of shame or failure or guilt.  It can be Plan A.  And I can promise you the ride has got to be as equally rewarding and thrilling as having a natural born child!  I challenge you all to at least humor the idea of adoption for a full 5 minutes and see what happens :)